Profile – Colin ‘The Twat’ Browne

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8fColin’s life did not get off to a great start. Born towards the tale-end of the 19th century, he was three weeks overdue. When he did eventually emerge he was so big that the midwife dropped him on his head. Whether the drop had any effect on Colin’s IQ is unknown, but one thing is certain, he did not excel at school. He emerged from primary school with only the most basic understanding of reading and arithmetic. At secondary school he was almost immediately consigned to the ‘special education’ unit which was a glorified shed at the bottom of the school playing field. And while it would be fair to say that Colin didn’t get much of a traditional education at school, he did learn some skills that be useful to him in later life.

Leaving school at the age of 15, Colin joined a travelling wrestling show. His bulk and strength meant he could weather most attacks from even the toughest of opponents. It wasn’t very long before he was getting top billing on the draw card for the events. He was also approached by gangs operating in the Bristol area and was soon regularly joining them for smash and grabs. He had an imposing presence and the gang’s victims usually gave in without much fuss when he showed up. On one occasion he attempted to stop the owner of a jewel shop by punching him as he ran past. Unfortunately the punch connected with one of the old shop’s load-bearing roof supports, which collapsed, causing the ceiling to fall in. Henceforth, Colin was always referred to as ‘The Twat’ by the gangs he worked with.

Colin first met Derby Mulhoon on a job in the railway sidings at Bristol Parkway station. The two hit it off almost immediately, with Derby’s guile and Colin’s imposing presence making them the ideal partnership. They started doing jobs themselves and had soon earned a reputation as effective, if clumsy blaggers. Unfortunately their growing confidence caused them to have ideas above their station. It was this over-confidence that lead to their disastrous attempt to steal the Crown Jewels in the Tower of London. The idea had been to disguise themselves as cleaners, slip away from their co-workers and then swallow as many jewels as they could stomach. Unfortunately Colin lived up to his nickname, when his eyes proved to be bigger than his throat and he choked to death on the Koh-i-Noor diamond. Consigned to Hell with only the briefest of judgements, Colin didn’t have to wait very long to be reunited with his old partner. The two teamed up once more and soon became Satan’s favourite fixers.

Amongst Colin’s interests are:

  • Arm wrestling
  • Country dancing
  • The Archers
  • Blocking out the light
  • Sausage making

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On April 27, 2016
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