Satan has been called many names over the years, including Son of the Dawn, Accuser, Devil, The Deceiver, Lucifer and The Ruler of the Demons, however he is rarely referred to by his first name, Stanley. Originally one of God’s key lieutenants, Satan was banished from Heaven for all eternity for fiddling his meal expenses and claiming 1.2% above the base rate unadjusted for inflation. Understandably pissed-off, Stanley decided to set up in competition with God, launching his fledgling organisation to accept those souls that didn’t meet Heaven’s lofty standards. When the great down-sizing took place, Satan was officially crowned CEO of the underworld and all other iterations previously administered by the old gods (including the Lake of Fire, the Netherworld, Hades, Anaon, Uffern, Gimokodan, Kalichi, Kuzimu, O le nu’u-o-nonoa, Xibalba, Gehinnom, Tartarus, Jahannam, Avīci, Naraka, Diyu and Slough) were moth-balled.
Stripped of any angelic powers, Satan’s only real source of power is the Staff of Arcana, which was delivered to him by one of his staff members (Davina) during the dark ages. In 1951 he nationalised Hell and the Allied Underworld Union was born. Two years later he shocked everyone by marrying his cleaner. The second half of the 20th century was a time of growth for Satan and over the years he gave more and more power to the Morose Order of Acolytes. By the millennium, he had become little more than a figure-head and spent his days in his potting sheds and greenhouses pursuing his hobby of gardening.
Amongst Satan’s interests are:
- Avoiding Mrs Satan
- Gardener’s Question Time on BBC Radio 4
- The novels of Jane Austen