The 47 Laws of Hell – 28th Edition

Background Comments (0)

These Laws have been developed in conformity with the Allied Underworld Union Regulations, as approved by Enactment No. 471 of the Morose Council of Acolytes dated 07/04/1148 (with subsequent amendments and additions);  Accommodation rules in Hell, approved by the Decree of the Ministry of Housing, Potting Sheds and Communal Services of the Allied Underworld Union from 17.05.897 №26 (with subsequent amendments and additions); the Allied Underworld Union  Act on the damned’s legal status in Hell dated 04/01/2002 (Reg. No. 109-3), as well as other statutory acts and regulations governing the rules, procedure and terms of eternal damnation in Hell. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here, but bring comfortable shoes.
  1. No you can’t speak to a lawyer.
  2. Collective union contracts are final and inviolable.
  3. All damned souls stand in solidarity – skivers, lurkers, whingers and n’er-do-wells will be dealt with. Harshly.
  4. No we won’t turn down the temperature.
  5. All damned souls stand in subordination to the superior interests of the Allied Underworld Union.
  6. Work by and for the Unions of the Alliance, in all its intellectual, technical, and manual forms, is a mandatory obligation.
  7. Thursday is pudding day.
  8. No running with scissors. Unless that’s your punishment.
  9. The Allied Underworld Union considers private initiative, in the fields of furnace-keeping, cake-making and athletic massages, as punishable by doughnut torture.
  10. No fishing in the Styx.
  11. War is cool. Freedom is unlikely. Ignorance is acceptable.
  12. No bed-wetters on the top bunk.
  13. No wide-loads in the outside lane.
  14. You can’t always get what you want.
  15. Wipe down all equipment after use.
  16. The third Doctor was the best Doctor.
  17. Every form must be completed in triplicate. In blood. Only joking, pens are fine. We aren’t joking about the triplicate bit though.
  18. No talking after lights-out.
  19. You do not talk about Fight Club.
  20. No visitor not known to a union brother can enter a Hell without undergoing an examination by demon.
  21. Monday is legs day.
  22. The damned must not deceive or knowingly or recklessly mislead others. Unless they are in the Union for  Untruthfulness, Fabrication and Perjury in which case it’s compulsory.
  23. Unless otherwise permitted or compelled by Satan, Mrs Satan or a member of the Morose Order of Acolytes, all union materials known to be confidential must not be disclosed. This includes the 47 Laws of Hell.
  24. Tighty-righty, Lefty-loosey.
  25. The fog on the Tyne is all mine. All mine.
  26. All demons are created equal, but some are more equal than others.
  27. Always leave the seat up.
  28. Smelt it, dealt it.
  29. Denied it, supplied it.
  30. There is no skylight, so don’t ask.
  31. The damned may not move, tamper with, deface or damage walls, ceiling, windows, doors, torture apparatus, vending machines, spa baths or any property of the Allied Underworld Union.
  32. The damned are permitted five minutes in the lavatory, unless that is their punishment. No prisoner will be allowed to return to the lavatory within one hour after a scheduled lavatory period, unless they are cleaning it with their tongues by order of Mrs Satan.
  33. No you cannot get pizza delivered.
  34. Keep calm and carry on.
  35. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
  36. Lights out at 10pm.
  37. Charon is not a courier driver.
  38. The Empire Strikes Back was the best of the original trilogy.
  39. You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.
  40. Towels left on loungers do not indicate ownership.
  41. Section 2  of the Act of 927 is hereby amended by the substitution for subsections (1) and (2) (both inserted by the Act of 943) of the following subsections, and the Act of 927 and in particular subsections (4) and (5) of the said section 2 shall be construed and have effect accordingly: no, you can’t.
  42. If any person obstructs, resists or interferes with, or does not comply with a requirement of, a member of the Allied Underworld Union or an officer of the legion of demon in the exercise of the powers conferred on him by subsection (3) of this section, he shall be guilty of an offence under the Act of 831 and shall be liable on summary conviction thereof to three days in a cell with Mrs Satan and her fondue machine.
  43. The Acolyte in Waiting and Members of the Morose Order of Acolytes may from time to time at any general meeting make or vary or revoke such Regulations or bye-laws, not being inconsistent with these Statues, as they may deem fit for regulating the management of Hell and the mode of conducting its business.
  44. Pies must always been eaten with the hands, never with a knife and fork.
  45. Yats, Shnouts and Beveroons are not entitled to stick-ups.
  46. Smartphones are banned from all saunas.
  47. No damned soul can leave Hell unless they have been furnished with a bus pass, signed by a Union Head or Morose Acolyte. Should any damned soul leave anyway, the Statute Against Exits and Departures (section 4) is enforced and that soul will be cast into Limbo, according to Satan’s unholy ordinance after the expiration of a number of hours and that number is 66.6.

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On March 18, 2016

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